Oh how I have changed…
This new college experience has definitely given me such new experiences. Experiences that I would have otherwise not have had if I did not go to Berkeley. I expected to come in with good intentions: focusing on my grades and doing the best I possibly could. I became sucked in by the glamour of being in a sorority.
I still don’t know exactly how I feel about my choice. I am still on the fence on whether I regret it or not. How much different would my college life had been if I decided not to join it. The time that I spent devoting my time to this sorority, would I have done anything meaningful with it? I admit, I definitely have had amazing and crazy times I would have never experienced (raves, parties, and doing crazy things). However the more I think about it, I feel as if I lost myself in this wild roller coaster of “college life.” Being surrounded by these talented people who can “work hard, play hard” made me accept the facade that I could do this as well. Do my grades show this? The answer is no. I’m not the type of person who can do these both successfully. I need to learn to take a better look at the person I am becoming and to really become the person I want to become.
The worse part is that I feel like I am losing myself. The values I once held seem so distant to me. This environment I am surrounding myself has made me so comfortable. I am beginning to develop the same opinions and perspectives as those around me, I am no longer unique. This is what scares me. All the values I once had are gone. The things I once said I would never do, I’ve done. I have no one to remind me of the values I once had, for who would remind me? Everyone else is doing the same as me.
It really sickens me the type of person I have become, yet I just think, “Oh this is college, I’ll never be able to do this again.” But will I regret this in my far future? I am still debating over this myself. I see the changes already around me. The boys who I used to like would want a relationship with me and now the boys that I begin to like are the ones that want hook ups or flings. I am no longer the type of women that men want as a girlfriend but rather a play thing or something to accomplish. I must remind myself that I am not a young freshman who has to ability or time to play around.
To myself, remind yourself why you are in college for. What are your hopes and desires? What kind of man do you see in your life? Is this guy really it? If not, why are you hoping for something that will never appear to happen?